Monday, April 14, 2014 Willa's Lemonade Cheesecakes
“Where have you been?”
“What have you been doing?”
“Why haven't you posted a new recipe?”
These are frequent questions from my readers. And I’d love to tell you all that I've been busy filming my own show, or that I couldn't come to the computer because I was elbow deep in tomato sauce, but the truth is sadly something very different.
At 40 weeks and 1 day pregnant my husband and I lost our little girl. Her heart just stopped, and we don't know why. We never got to hear her voice, or see her smile, or know what she looks like when she first wakes up. We never got to have all those “firsts” that we had excitedly anticipated.
We were ready for her: diapers unpacked, tiny clothes in her dresser and a place for her to rest her head right next to mommy. It was supposed to be the week we brought her home, the week we stumbled our way through parenthood, laughing as we put diapers on backwards and figuring out the difference between a “boppy” and a “breast-friend”.
But that's just not what happened.
Now this is the point where you may be thinking “this is such a private thing, why write about it on the internet?” Let me explain...
In my personal life everyone from my dry cleaner to the grocery store employees knew about my baby girl, and they watched day to day as my belly grew and grew (yes, I go to the grocery store every day). And then at 6 months pregnant she made her first TV appearance on the Food Network Star Finale. On national TV I stood there, belly in-tow, and told the whole world all about how blissfully happy we were to be growing our family.
So when we didn't bring her home and all these people started asking about her, we had to tell them. We had to share this very personal information, and we suddenly found ourselves having intimate moments with the most random people.
And then there came questions from all of you, my internet family. People would innocently ask how my baby was doing or how motherhood was treating me and I would have to tell them the truth. It's 2014, the internet age doesn’t allow for secrets.
But along the way I realized something. I didn't just have to tell them, I wanted to tell them, I wanted to tell everyone.
Every time someone asked, I got to tell another person about my daughter. I got to tell them that we named her Willa and that she had my ears, and lips, and that we even shared that little dimple on my chin. I got to say how big she was at 8lbs 4oz and how her hands were the longest I'd ever seen. I got to tell them how beautiful and absolutely perfect she was. And as I talked about her, I found that for a moment, though fleeting, I was truly happy. I may have tears in my eyes when describing her big cheeks and dark hair, but I want you to ask about her because when you do, she lives on just a little bit more every time.
I am constantly trying to find ways to remember her, to honor her. So as I am getting back on the horse and finding my way back into the kitchen I love so much, I knew my first recipe would have to be for her, for my Willa.
I know what she liked because we spent a lot of time together. And she often made her requests known. Lemonade became something I could not live without, and she sent me searching all over NYC for the perfect blend of lemons and water. Sugar was request number 2 and she would demand it constantly and in many different forms. And last, let us not forget, the cheese.
And so I thought I would take all these things and make baby Lemonade Cheesecakes for her. Sweet and tart and just what she liked.
RECIPE:
2 8oz Bars of Cream Cheese, room temp
1/3 + ½ Cup Sugar, seperated
⅛ Cup Corn Starch
⅛ Cup + ¼ Cup Heavy Whipping Cream, room temp
1.5 tsp Vanilla Extract
1 Lemon, juice + zest
1 Egg, room temp
6 mini graham cracker crusts
Topping:
6 Tbs sugar
Whipped Cream
Sour Patch Kids
- In a food processor or mixer combine 1 bar of cream cheese, 1/3 cup sugar and ⅛ cup corn starch and mix until smooth.
- Add 1 more bar of cream cheese and process untill well incorporated.
- Add heavy whipping cream, ½ cup sugar, vanilla extract, lemon and pulse to combine.
- Finally add the egg and mix until smooth and free of lumps.
- Pour mixture into individual graham cracker crusts and bake in a water bath for 20-25min in a 350 degree oven. Once set, turn off oven and leave cheesecakes in the oven as it cools. Once the oven is cool and the cheesecakes are close to room temperature, remove and let sit in the fridge for at least 1hr.
- When ready to serve place 1Tbs of sugar on the top of each cheesecake, spread around and then tap off any excess.
- Brulee the sugar with a torch or under your broiler (instruction HERE).
- Serve topped with whipped cream and sour patch kids.
Makes 6-8 mini cheesecakes
You might also like these recipes:
Brocolli Tacos
Spinach + Artichoke Bites
Challah Hangover Sandwich
Berry Keylime "Cheesecake"
Popovers
Reader Comments (55)
I am deeply* saddened to read this. May you and your hubby have a blessed healing and peace in your hearts every day forth. I enjoy watching your videos on youtube. Thank you for sharing your heart and your kitchen.
I'm so sorry for your loss Nikki, I can only imagine what you are going through. I look forward to making these cheesecakes in Willa's honour.
I'm so sorry for your loss. My husband and I lost our son at 38 weeks and 6 days. He was born still. I never forget him. I think about him everyday. I find myself connected to you even though we don't know each other. Our stories are similar. May God bless you and help you and your husband find comfort and peace.
I write this with tears in my eyes. You and I were pregnant together and even had a chance to chat briefly over FB. As I had my new baby in my arms, I read about your loss and cried for hours. I am so very sorry for losing such a precious little girl, especially one with such good taste buds already :-) You have been in my prayers and thank you SO much for sharing your story and these cheesecakes are the perfect compliment/tribute to her. Welcome back, I look forward to trying more of your delicious recipes and seeing your beautiful face on FB again. Take care and God bless.
Sweet Nikki,
You are an amazing woman. Your sweet Willa is so proud of you. May your heart be happy as you share this little girl with others. You and your family are in our prayers, God bless you all. Kathy
I have been in your shoes. It happened in the '80's and we've have years of reflection which helped my husband and me cope with the loss of our first child (a son). It was devastating and I didn't handle it nearly as well as you have. Now is the time to grieve and it takes as long as it takes. There is no timetable for grief. There will come a time when you can think of your beautiful daughter without the tears but with the swelling heart knowing that you will one day see her again. I still think of my son to this day with a smile and joy filled heart. He's a treasure in heaven waiting to see his mama. Your's is too. My prayer for you is that you get thru each moment of each day whatever way you can. The future will be bright again. I say that from experience. God bless you.
I'm so sorry.
What a lovely way to honor your daughter. Wishing you peace and joy in your love and grief.
When I found your post yesterday, I actually gasped to hear what happened to you and your husband. It's so similar to my own story: 18 years ago, I lost my first baby, a girl, at 6 1/2 months of pregnancy. They did all the testing, and found nothing wrong. I was so scared to get pregnant again - it took me 4 years to work up the courage. Unless it happens to you, it's hard to comprehend that the pain of a loss like this could be so excruciating. I was stunned by my grief.
When I got pregnant again, my mom encouraged me to see a neonatal specialist, who discovered that I have a blood disorder that leads to clotting when pregnant. I was on a blood thinner for my two subsequent pregnancies and gave birth to two healthy babies, who are now 14 and 11. I am so glad I kept trying! Also, while I'm sure they did lots of testing on you, it's important to have testing done when you get pregnant again, as some disorders only show up during pregnancy.
After I lost my daughter, I felt like I was the only person in the world who this happened to. Then I started getting cards and letters from friends, people at my church, co-workers, and discovered that many, many people have suffered an infant loss of some type. It just wasn't talked about in the "old days" and I'm glad that is changing. I mention my daughter often on Facebook and Twitter and have blogged about her, and people contact me to talk about their own loss because it makes such a difference to talk to someone who understands.
Blessings to you, Nikki, and may time bring healing and remembrance.
I'm so sorry and I hope your Willa is up there in heaven smiling upon you. Keep cooking and don't lose hope. Better luck next time.
Love,
Trinity
Nikki,
That is so sad. I pray you are blessed with strength. I imagine losing a child has to be one of the hardest things in life.
I think you are so right about liking to talk about her so she lives. I hope you are still getting the chance.
-Summer
Nikki,
I saw you on Food Network Star, and on the last episode, discovered you were pregnant. Since the episode was old, I searched the internet to just see how everything worked out for you. I was directed to this page. My heart was broken after just a few paragraphs in. I have a daughter, Willow, who was born January of 2014. I had multiple early miscarriages before she came into my life.
I made Willa's Lemonade Cheesecakes and they were wonderful! That is saying a lot considering I am neither a lemonade person nor a cheesecake person; however, your story was simply too much for me to forget. Willow devoured a whole mini pie in less than five minutes! She loves them! I decided to make this recipe to honor Willa and her mommy and daddy who love her so. Also, I hope it brings you a little peace to know that I will use this recipe to celebrate little events in Willow's life
Nikki,
I had my beautiful daughter at 43. Please think positively and continue to try to have another child. You are so beautiful and have so much going for you.
As Coco Chanel said "Keep your heels, head and standards high." You go girl!! Love ya!
"He gives power to the faint,
and to him who has no might he increases strength.
Even youths shall faint and be weary,
and young men shall fall exhausted;
but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
they shall walk and not faint" (Isaiah 40:29-31).
I would love to listen to your memories of Willa. What an encouragement you are to others! That baby girl would be proud of her mommy!
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