Monday, April 14, 2014 Willa's Lemonade Cheesecakes
“Where have you been?”
“What have you been doing?”
“Why haven't you posted a new recipe?”
These are frequent questions from my readers. And I’d love to tell you all that I've been busy filming my own show, or that I couldn't come to the computer because I was elbow deep in tomato sauce, but the truth is sadly something very different.
At 40 weeks and 1 day pregnant my husband and I lost our little girl. Her heart just stopped, and we don't know why. We never got to hear her voice, or see her smile, or know what she looks like when she first wakes up. We never got to have all those “firsts” that we had excitedly anticipated.
We were ready for her: diapers unpacked, tiny clothes in her dresser and a place for her to rest her head right next to mommy. It was supposed to be the week we brought her home, the week we stumbled our way through parenthood, laughing as we put diapers on backwards and figuring out the difference between a “boppy” and a “breast-friend”.
But that's just not what happened.
Now this is the point where you may be thinking “this is such a private thing, why write about it on the internet?” Let me explain...
In my personal life everyone from my dry cleaner to the grocery store employees knew about my baby girl, and they watched day to day as my belly grew and grew (yes, I go to the grocery store every day). And then at 6 months pregnant she made her first TV appearance on the Food Network Star Finale. On national TV I stood there, belly in-tow, and told the whole world all about how blissfully happy we were to be growing our family.
So when we didn't bring her home and all these people started asking about her, we had to tell them. We had to share this very personal information, and we suddenly found ourselves having intimate moments with the most random people.
And then there came questions from all of you, my internet family. People would innocently ask how my baby was doing or how motherhood was treating me and I would have to tell them the truth. It's 2014, the internet age doesn’t allow for secrets.
But along the way I realized something. I didn't just have to tell them, I wanted to tell them, I wanted to tell everyone.
Every time someone asked, I got to tell another person about my daughter. I got to tell them that we named her Willa and that she had my ears, and lips, and that we even shared that little dimple on my chin. I got to say how big she was at 8lbs 4oz and how her hands were the longest I'd ever seen. I got to tell them how beautiful and absolutely perfect she was. And as I talked about her, I found that for a moment, though fleeting, I was truly happy. I may have tears in my eyes when describing her big cheeks and dark hair, but I want you to ask about her because when you do, she lives on just a little bit more every time.
I am constantly trying to find ways to remember her, to honor her. So as I am getting back on the horse and finding my way back into the kitchen I love so much, I knew my first recipe would have to be for her, for my Willa.
I know what she liked because we spent a lot of time together. And she often made her requests known. Lemonade became something I could not live without, and she sent me searching all over NYC for the perfect blend of lemons and water. Sugar was request number 2 and she would demand it constantly and in many different forms. And last, let us not forget, the cheese.
And so I thought I would take all these things and make baby Lemonade Cheesecakes for her. Sweet and tart and just what she liked.
RECIPE:
2 8oz Bars of Cream Cheese, room temp
1/3 + ½ Cup Sugar, seperated
⅛ Cup Corn Starch
⅛ Cup + ¼ Cup Heavy Whipping Cream, room temp
1.5 tsp Vanilla Extract
1 Lemon, juice + zest
1 Egg, room temp
6 mini graham cracker crusts
Topping:
6 Tbs sugar
Whipped Cream
Sour Patch Kids
- In a food processor or mixer combine 1 bar of cream cheese, 1/3 cup sugar and ⅛ cup corn starch and mix until smooth.
- Add 1 more bar of cream cheese and process untill well incorporated.
- Add heavy whipping cream, ½ cup sugar, vanilla extract, lemon and pulse to combine.
- Finally add the egg and mix until smooth and free of lumps.
- Pour mixture into individual graham cracker crusts and bake in a water bath for 20-25min in a 350 degree oven. Once set, turn off oven and leave cheesecakes in the oven as it cools. Once the oven is cool and the cheesecakes are close to room temperature, remove and let sit in the fridge for at least 1hr.
- When ready to serve place 1Tbs of sugar on the top of each cheesecake, spread around and then tap off any excess.
- Brulee the sugar with a torch or under your broiler (instruction HERE).
- Serve topped with whipped cream and sour patch kids.
Makes 6-8 mini cheesecakes
You might also like these recipes:
Brocolli Tacos
Spinach + Artichoke Bites
Challah Hangover Sandwich
Berry Keylime "Cheesecake"
Popovers
Reader Comments (55)
Nikki- so sorry to hear about Willa. Thank you for sharing your story and Willa's recipe. I hope you and your husband find peace!
Nikki,
What a beautiful tribute for your baby girl. I'm so sorry to hear about your loss, that is so incredibly heart breaking. It's impossible to understand the why's of this world but prayers for you and your husband. I hope that time will bring more smiles than tears as you look back on your short time with Willa.
Samantha
if I were WIlla, I would love that you share everything about me and grateful that you do! God Bless you
Nikki, Your story resonates with me because it is so much like my own. I would love to make your cheesecake recipe and honor your sweet Willa while also honoring my own sweet baby girl. The loss taught me more about God than anything else I've ever experienced. Thank you for sharing Willa with us.
Nikki,
My heart bleeds for you. I lost my mother recently from a procedure that should have lasted 40 minutes. I helped her get undressed, kissed her goodbye, not knowing that was a forever goodbye. I know the pain of sudden, unexpected loss. A loss of a mother and a loss of a child are very similar pain. But you know, she is forever in my heart, its kind of like a piece of her is with me and I think your daughter will be with you forever. My parents lost their firstborn (stillborn) over 54 years ago - my father who is suffering from dementia, can describe that baby to a T! He talks about him now all the time - some things your mind will never forget.
I know my mom said getting pregnant quickly after really helped her - just sayin'!!!
Have faith that things will all make sense one day. Thought and Prayers are with you. Be strong...
Dear Nikki,
So very sorry for your loss Nikki. Please know all of us who follow your blog support you and your husband with much love. I am glad you found your way back to your kitchen...it will continue to bring you great joy. Your little one will always be remembered.
I am so very sorry for your loss. Your strength and grace are astounding and inspirational. Thank you for sharing Willa with all of us.
Nikki - your tribute to Willa is precious. I am so sorry this happened in you and your husbands lives. You are beautiful and I know Willa was too. When I first heard about your loss it was on your facebook page. My heart broke for you. You were instantly in my thoughts and prayers. I loved your bubbly spirit on Food Network Star. I am so anxious to make this recipe to HONOR Willa. Blessing to you!!!!!
Linda from Lancaster, PA
Beautiful post. Your passion for cooking really touched me on the show. I am so grateful that you shared your story and have tapped into the love and beauty that will always exist around Willa. When I miscarried my first, my doctor looked me in the eye and said "you will be a mom. It will happen." That was extremely comforting to me. Clearly you are already Willa's mommy, but there is more to come. I believe that for you too..xoxo
Dear Nikki, I think Willa's Lemonade Cheesecake is the perfect tribute to your beautiful daughter and I can tell you put much thought into your recipe to honor her. This cheesecake looks so bright and refreshing similar to the feeling you must experience when talking about your darling baby girl. I haven't stopped thinking about you since I read this blog. I've decided to make these for Mother's Day. They will be just perfect and I will make them in honor of Willa and you and your husband and will think of you all on that day that I'm sure will be a difficult one..
Now that Spring has finally arrived, may you gain a renewed feeling of hope and growth and new beginnings. I know that's the feeling I get when I see all the new blooms and flowers magically appearing overnight. It keeps me moving forward.
My thoughts are with you. I hope you keep moving forward and I'm also hoping I'll see you on FN one day. You're a natural.
This is a wonderful way to heal and a moving & very special tribute to Willa. She will always be with you. Thanks for sharing your story - that couldn't have been any braver. I hope you know that I was thinking of you and my prayers & thoughts went out to you & your husband.
I am so sorry for your loss, my heart is broken for you. This is a beautiful post and tribute to your daughter. <hugs>
You were my favorite on FNS! I really think the network needs someone like you to teach America to like vegetables. I was so sad when I read this post. Sorry for your and your husband's loss.
Nikki,
I am so sorry that you lost your little Willa! My aunt had almost the exact same experience 7 years ago, so I realize the depths of the process of grief you have been going through. I wouldn't dare to suppose I have the right words, or attempt to understand your pain, but I do know secondhand how hard it must be for you. I still remember the day my aunt told us about those very same everyday tasks and seeing the everyday people who didn't know Abby never came home. And to this day, I see the joy in my aunt's eyes when someone remembers Abby or allows her to talk about her memory. It is so sweet of you to share these parts of Willa with us, to let her live on in your words, and to let her be the part of your life that she always will be.
My little cousin Abby, though she never opened her eyes or spoke a single word, is remembered. The MISS Foundation, http://www.missfoundation.org/support/about , and http://www.babylosscomfort.com/ allowed my aunt to share Abby's story with other mothers who had gone through the same experience. It allowed Abby's story to touch the lives of countless people, and in the past 7 years over 70,000 people have visited her memorial page. I know you may never visit these sites, but I offer them in the hope that the mothers on these websites may offer you comfort when my empty words cannot.
Your Willa will be remembered too. She was fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139). Thank you for sharing her story, for letting Willa touch the lives of your readers, and for loving her so very much.
dear Nikki,
my 3 daughters (13, 11, 8) and I first saw you on the Food Network and immediately loved your style of cooking - you and Damaris were their favorites. when we saw you on the last episode, belly in tow, we were so happy for you. I was telling a friend about your cooking earlier today and wanted to pass along your site for him to help him with some cooking. I haven't been to your site in ages, and was so sad to see the note that you posted about losing your precious Willa. Words cannot express how sorry we are to hear of the loss of your child. Please know that we are keeping you and your husband in our prayers for strength and courage to face each new day. Our hearts break for the loss that you are facing. Hoping that our prayers help in some small way and that God blesses you & your husband with another child to hold in the near future. Please believe in hope. I am #6 out of 8 children - a similar thing happened to my parents with my brother (#3) and a sister the following year (#4). After they passed away shortly after birth, the doctors told her that she couldn't have any more children. She successfully had 4 more...me being one of them! There are now 6 of us. I'm telling you this story bc there is hope out there, you're not alone in what you've faced and there will be happiness again with a new silver lining. We're praying on it for you! Stay strong.
Hi Nikki,
Just happened to be looking at your website because I remembered you from the Food Network and came upon this blog post...So sorry to here about your loss!! We had a similar thing happen in our family when my older sister lost her first child at 39 1/2 weeks. It was devastating at the time, but she now has two beautiful daughters. We still always remember the first and keep her in our hearts. Willa is always with you! Much love to you and your family! All the best to you! :)
I'm watching a FN Star marathon while I work today. I haven't thought much about any of the contestants, including last year's winner, since last year, though I watch the network all the time. I was genuinely curious about what you were "up to" these days. Reading your blog (for the first time) brought me to tears. I am so grateful that you shared your beautiful, touching story. I remember sharing stories about my first 2 babies...the 2 I never met beyond carrying them in my womb. I now have 4 teenage girls who all know that they were not my first 4 kids. I had a whole life planned for my first 2, just as I have mapped out the lives of the daughters I see every day. I feel for you and wish you the best. Sharing your story will help other women who suffer the great loss that you have suffered. Your tribute to Willa is beautiful. Peace, Maureen
Was just watching Food Network and saw you on TV. Something prompted me to look you up and then your post.... I am also the mom to a stillborn daughter. What a fresh and sweet recipe -- just like your precious daughter. xx
I sit here watching Food Network Star reruns. You were by far my favorite. The only one whose show I wanted to watch or whose food I want to cook and eat. Then I remembered you have a blog. I looked it up today and read Willa's beautiful story. What a wonderful way to honor her memory... by sharing your love of cooking with her. May time and love bring you peace and comfort.
I also wanted to see what you were up to with the new food network star season beginning. You are my fave contestant ever and I really really wanted to watch your show! I think food network is really lacking your unique point of view and you would be a great addition. I hope you get your show eventually. I'm so very sorry for your loss. God bless you.